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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Razzles

UNAMERICAN: Razzles

Many of you devoted readers out there know from my post on Independents that I like Razzles, but I cannot trust them. They are very UnAmerican due to their portrayal of communist ideals. Here is the story of my bad experience with razzles:

One fine summer evening, I was eating
some candy. It was delicious. I chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed on my candy and realized something. Much like a werewolf or Britney Spears, it had undergone a transformation! It seemed as though my delightful treat had changed from candy to chewing gum. "Oh no!" I cried. I really wanted to enjoy a delicious piece of candy. I spit out my defective candy and tried another piece. But the same thing happened once more! "How peculiar?" I thought. Then I looked at the package of candies and saw: "Razzles: First they're candy, then they're gum." So I lit the package on fire.

Ever since then, I've had a grudge on Razzles. Here are some other reasons that Razzles are Un-American:
  • I see red and blue but I don't see white. Hmmm.
  • The letters Razzles actually contain a well concealed Russian Flag (See it?):
  • Everyone knows that the best flavor of Razzle is blue. But, for some strange reason, there are never any blue Razzle. Red Razzles are the worst flavor of Razzle. But, red Razzles are the most common. Also, red is a nickname for Communist, so its like saying that there are just a bunch of Communists. Now do they sound appetizing? (You Say: "No")
  • They advertise falsely: Okay, Razzles are not really candy and gum. They are where-gum (gum that appears to be candy but magically transforms into gum). It isn't candy because right before you swallow the candy, it turns into gum. How does it do this? The ancient art of Haitian Voodoo Magic. (I'm team Edward, so I don't know how I feel about this whole where-gum business).
  • Razzles are Communists: Okay, so America is the political system where you get two choices and you can take your pick. Basically, you want candy, you get candy. You want gum, you get gum. But, razzles are communists. They group all the choices into one party that you have to choose. That way, you want candy? Well you get candy and gum.
  • Why is the package all stripety like a zebra? Zebras aren't communists. Don't drag them into this. In fact. the Zebra from fruit stripes is American and chose one type of sugary thing (just gum). Also, he can windsurf. Can communists windsurf? No.
  • Okay, so I typed in Razzle on google translate and translated it to Russian. It came up with this: кутеж. Then I translated кутеж back to American and it came up with Whoopee. Either the Russians are playing mind games with me or this has something to do with Whoopee Goldberg. It probably has something to do with Whoopee Goldberg because she is on the view. Everyone knows that the View is terrible.
So that is why Razzles are Un-American.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Fanny Packs

(Most of the Time) UNAMERICAN: Fanny Packs

Eeew! A Fanny Pack. Fanny Packs make me sick. Or at least most of the time. Sometimes, they are generally always Un-American, at times. Basically, if used incorrectly, they can be weapons of mass destruction. So here are some reasons that they are Un-American.
  • Their position: Fanny packs are either worn over the crotch or the buttox. So, this branches out into two ways. The first is related to the fanny pack being placed over the crotch. While walking, this would be bumping up and down, and you would essentially be humping the fanny pack the whole time. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with sex. But, the fanny pack can't talk because it is an inanimate object. Therefore, it can't give its consent. And no one deserves to be raped, not even Un-Americans. Also, having sex with and inanimate object is kind of gross (George Clooney?). If the fanny pack is places above your "fanny," then it would be subjected to some bad stuff. The average human farts about 17 times a day (even subconsciously)(George Clooney?).
  • They are just really ugly.
  • Technically, the fanny pack is a belt. Now, wear that over your regular belt and you're wearing two belts. Two belts? The whole thing just seems a little S & M -ey.
  • Someone could probably hold a lot of crystal meth in a fanny pack. Now, I am a firm believer in Cocaine use and I personally hate crystal meth. I even came up with a slogan for Cocaine: Choose Cocaine Palin. See? Put Cocaine next to a brilliant political figure and it seems even better. Anyways, Since I hate crystal meth, I hate fanny packs because fanny packs may hold crystal meth. And don't go on about putting cocaine in fanny packs because I doubt you could fit cocaine and Sarah Palin in just one fanny pack. They would obviously need separate fanny packs.
Also, Fanny Packs can be used quite dangerously. Here are some very Communist uses of the "fanny pack:"
  • Carrying artifacts for a Satanic Ritual: Look, I don't care if you want to carry around "Newt's Bane," or Pouches of dog blood, or a jar of male semen. Actually, I do care. I care a lot. Because that's just messed up. Even then, I won't judge you. But, please, use a satchel or a back pack. Cause fanny packs and purple robes don't match, even in the underworld. Also, we should talk about those purple robes. I mean, I'm no fashion police, but being a virgin is Un-American. Unless you are a minor or its for a religious thing because religion is very, VERY American (except for Satanic Cults).
  • Cyclists: Okay, I don't like cyclists too much. They hog our roads, they wear spandex, and they pollute our Earth. That plastic packaging that their "vehicles" (ha ha, they're not vehicles) come in? That goes straight to a land fill. But, when they add a fanny pack to the mix, its like Karl Marx kicked you in the balls while he was singing Shakira and playing along on the tamborine. Its sickening. It really is. NOTE: regular cyclists may be close to being Communist, but they are still very American. I mean, its not really a gradual slope as much as a steep drop off, so they are in the green zone. But, the fanny pack wearers? They teeter my friend. They teeter.
  • Women: why not wear some hot pants instead? (Unless you're a woman at Disney World, because then you are probably a morbidly obese mother of 12 from Nebraska (?).
  • Animals: Someone call PETA if you see this testing. I don't care if you put toxic shampoo in a monkey's eyes, but the moment you slap a fanny pack on that thing, I'm gonna have to punch you in the face (or have PETA punch you with the power of law). NOTE: I hate PETA, but I hate fanny packs more, much more.
  • If you are wearing a fine, custom made Italian suit, and a fanny pack, you may be in Russia.
Note, there is one good use of the fanny pack:
  • Holding a gun,
Other, then that, Fanny Packs are Communist.