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Saturday, January 30, 2010

George W. Bush


This post does not follow the normal layout. Just so you know.

So, we all know president George W. Bush. Well, he is a perfect specimen of an American. He is a smart, well educated, handsome (as shown above) MAN. Here is a Pie Chart saying I'm right:

See? The chart clearly states Fritos, Cocaine, Happy, and Good. All positive words right? Well then I must be telling the truth! So, we all know him for his successful presidency and genius quotes. But, these quotes may be more than nuggets of boner producing knowledge. After close inspection, I've found that George W. Bush may be a prophet and possibly the Nostradamus of our time. Here are some interpretations of some of the more important quotes.

1. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

Okay so this quote is trying to tell us that eventually clothes will be rare and we will all have to be naked. But, food will become more abundant and we will have to wear food scraps and otehr garbage to cover ourselves. Except for Megan Fox. She still has to stay naked.

2. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

Okay so the government is going to crack down on prostitution (I should find a new job fast!) This means that OB-GYNs are going to have an underground network of prostitution with doctors being both pimps and hoes. Going to see the doctor will not only include getting a blood test but also getting a hand job/ female equivalent. This is going to cause some doctors to quit due to morality.

3. "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

Misunderestimated will become a legitimate word. I call coining it so back off.

4. "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

Okay so the untrained eye may believe that this is saying that Americans will become poor and need to get three jobs to just get by. But its really trying to say that America will become such a successful country that it will have to many jobs and Americans will have to get three jobs each to keep opportunities away from immigrants.

5. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

Aquaman will accidentally trigger a war between fish and humans. But, he will have to go with Lindsey Lohan, an Asian child, and a Lobster named Chester to the heart of both the fish and human societies to uncover a conspiracy which will immediately cause the two societies to become allies against amphibians (that includes Sarah Jessica Parker).

6. "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

Future President James Hope is kidnapped. He is found in Families, Ohio with his kidnapper, Martin Wings. The FBI try to save President Hope, but, he is expecting them and takes another hostage, FBI Agent Sarah Dream.

I hope that you have learned something. I know I have...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Independents

GRAY AREA!: Independents

Okay, so, today, I implemented a new faction on the blog entitled GRAY AREA!. This means that the topic at hand is both American and Un-American. Also, do not mix up independents with independence. There is nothing gray about independence. Independence is purely Red, White, and Blue.

So, by Independents, I mean people who are neither Democrats or Republicans or any other political party. But, there are two types of Independents: those who really can't decide and those who are lazy. We'll call the first batch "Bads" and the second batch "Goods."

First, we'll address "Bads." They are undecided. That kind of seems suspicious to me. I'll explain why:
  • Independents are one step away from being Communists: Here is a limerick explaining why:
Two Russians were trying to get lunch.
Should they have Beef Stroganoff, babies, or brunch?
Since they couldn't decide,
no matter how hard they tried,
they developed a system where there was only one option for the whole bunch.

Those two Russians were a boxing bear and Karl Marx. And, they invented communism out of indecisiveness.
  • I don't trust Razzles.(But, I do like them).
But, you are all probably like I'm an independent, should I be worried that I caught communism? No, no you shouldn't kids. Want to know why? (You say: "Why?") Haha, well, thats because there are also good Independents, remember? (You say: "Oh yeah, how could I forget?") We call those Independents "Goods." (We both chuckle). Also, to catch Communism, you must have an O negative blood type. If you do have that blood type, then you probably are a communist. Anyways, here is what makes "Goods" good:
  • They are just lazy: "Goods" are independents for one reason and one reason only: Laziosity (AKA Laziness). Because of this, they don't want to be bothered with weighing reasons or getting annoying campaign calls. So, they either make an educated decision but pretend like they are Independents to avoid calls or they take the high road and use Enee-Meanie-Minee-Moe to decide. Also, they include the "Red, White and Blue I choose You" part cause that's just American.
  • They vote: Americans have to vote.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Amazing Discovery!

Okay, You READERS (I'm gonna be consistent feminists) won't believe this. I found a real unedited satellite picture of the world. Apparently, the Russians were hiding this picture from us Americans. So, I don't want to describe the process of me getting the map, cause it was pretty gross, but it involved a half stick of butter, a shot glass, and a lighter in the shape of a dolphin.
Here is the real world map:
Okay so here is a fake world map:
Okay so as you can see, there are some considerable differences here. The fake map fails to include Penguin Land or Jurassic park. It should be noted that Penguin Land may be mistakenly labeled as "Antarctica." It also individually labels the other countries instead of massing them into one large group like they really are. On the real map, Alaska and Hawaii are conveniently placed next to America while the fake map places them far away. Also, the real map correctly shapes Russia as it is the demented frowny face island that it really is as opposed to a large regularly shaped subcontinent. So, here you have it. The real world map.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

DOUBLE POST!?!?!?!?

Okay so I stopped posting for a while so I'm doing a double post (!?!?!?!?). Don't question it, just embrace it.

AMERICAN: Xbox 360


Okay so basically, I think that Xbox 360s are American because they are the best video game console and video games are American (to be explained in a possible later post). Personally, I prefer Xbox 360s over other video game consoles and here is why:
  • I own one: You guys (and women to be politically correct (actually, you know what, lets just go with readers)). Okay, so you READERS (suck it feminists you ain't got nothing on me) know by now that you can trust me like a SIBLING (again, feminists, you can suck it) or a very friendly but awkward neighbor that may or may not like kids way to much (that means you Mr. Howard). So, if I own an Xbox 360, it must be American.
  • The online multiplayer costs money: Every American (and every Asian) knows that Xbox Live costs 50 dollars a year. And every American (and every Asians. Okay, maybe Asians more than Americans) knows that the more expensive something is, the better quality it is.
  • It has better games than other consoles: Little Big Planet? What? Does no one else realize that this makes absolutely no sense at all? How can a big planet be little? How can any planet be little? Planets are big! I mean America is a huge planet! Yeah, thanks but no thanks. I pick Halo 3.
  • It has racial equality: The Xbox comes in black or white and while one color is still blatantly better than the other color (maybe the wrong roles?), both are still there. "SPOILER ALERT:" I don't see a white PS3.
  • Xbox 360 is more characters than PS3: So, by now, you've realized that the next Un-American companion post that goes with this post is the PS3. And every American (and every Italian) knows that long names are the best names. America's full name is The United States of America (26 characters long including spaces) while its greatest enemy is just Russia (6 spaces). Xbox 360 is 8 characters long while the PS3 is just 3. Yeah. What now?
UNAMERICAN: PS3

Okay so I hate the PS3. Here is why:
  • I don't own one: Okay readers (both feminist and other wise) we've been over this. Would I own a stupid thing? The answer is no. Just trust me.
  • The online multiplayer is free: What is this? Communist land (Russia). No, its America! No sharing!
  • It is racist: There is no white version of the PS3, just a black version. That is racist. But, there is a silver version for the robot demographic, so the Xbox is at a loss there (come on Microsoft, you can do it!).
  • Dumb games: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves doesn't sound fun. Honestly, it sounds like the GPS in a Lexus full of shoplifters broke on the way to a cousin's birthday party. And Little Big Planet not only makes no sense, but since when have sock puppets been fun? NEVER!
So, basically, the PS3 is Unamerican but the Xbox 360 is American.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

James Cameron's Avatar

(Note: this is not my image. I found it at http://geeksfera.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/avatar-james-cameron.jpg)

Great Movie: James Cameron's Avatar
Un-American: James Cameron's Avatar

I loved James Cameron's Avatar. It was a great movie. But, as I sat there watching the amazing film, I realized something. Instead of the popcorn I had in my hands, I should have had a nice bowl of Beef Stroganoff. Because that movie was not American. At all. It should have been called Russia: Final Force Five. Warning: Spoiler Alerts follow.

Okay, so right of the bat, you see something wrong with the movie. IT DOESN'T TAKE PLACE IN AMERICA! Its okay if movies are filmed in Australia pretending to be America. But the movie blatantly says NOT AMERICA. Here are some other Communist things about the movie:
  • The Americans were the bad guys. America is good. Always.
  • The Americans lost. America wins. Always.
  • The Americans were greedy. Oh wait no scratch that we are totally greedy.
  • The Na'Vi cheated. In the end, right when America was going to win and the movie was going to end happily, some rhinoceros sharks and dragons and tentacle beak panthers come and help the Na'Vi. They were not part of the deal. No that was straight up cheating. How would the Na'Vi liked it if we brought in some of our deadly creatures (Obese people, Sarah Palin)?
  • The Na'Vi didn't bother to put out the forest fire. That is Un-American because Americans don't start forest fires to begin with. But, the protagonists are dumb and don't put out forest fires. If the Americans had been in that position, Smokey woulda been all up in there and put it out with his shovel.
  • Grandma's Boy's JP was in that movie. But, his character was not named JP. Which is weird because his name is JP.
  • Trudy, the best character in the whole movie and obviously the main character, dies. That was dumb. If anything, the stupid wheelchair traitor should have died. But not Trudy. She was the main character.
  • There were no subtle product placement shots. How can I relate to a main character if Trudy is not drinking my favorite soft drink and popping my favorite brand of kettle corn.
  • It was obviously a rip off of Confessions of a Shopaholic.
  • The Na'Vi basically raped animals into submission by probing them with their braids. And that's just wrong. A braid of nerve fibers or a penis? You decide. I know I have (I chose penis).
  • The scientists ruined perfectly good human DNA by mixing it with the NA'Vi and making Avatars. Why didn't they just grow more Americans?
Even though Avatar is like the best movie ever its Un-American.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Communists

(Note: This image is not mine. I saved it at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Communist_star.svg)


Un-American: Communists

Communists are straight up not American. I know that America is all about free speech, but the first amendment was obviously designed excluding Communists. Lets take a look at it:

"
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

Like National Treasure said, there are lots of hidden codes in America. Here is the first amendment again, this time with the carefully concealed code revealed:

"Congress shall make NO law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a REDreSs of grievances."

See? It clearly says No Reds. Red is a commonly used name for Russian Communists. So, the founding fathers all made it clear that communists are stupid.
Here are some other reasons why Communists aren't American:
  • They like to share: Come on. Really Communists? Americans HATE sharing. We will do charity, but we won't share. There is a difference. Here are examples of famous not sharing moments. The Americans refused to share America with England. The Americans refused to share America with Native Americans. Sometimes America won't share America with immigrants. See? That's three. Three makes it a pattern.
  • They don't speak English.
  • Their most famous landmark looks like Willy Wonka's factory: Get a real landmark Communists. Why don't you guys make a nice Lincoln Memorial or an Epcot Ball or like a huge ball of yarn? That would be much nicer than the stupid Kremlin thing with the stripes.
  • They eat Beef Stroganoff: Eat real food. Like food that exists. Cause your not fooling me
In Conclusion, Communists are not American.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Smokey Bear


(Note: This image is not my image. It belongs to the U.S. government. But, I found the image at http://www.theproducersperspective.com/my_weblog/2009/04/people-are-talking-about-you-behind-your-back-and-now-you-can-listen.htm)

American: Smokey Bear

I want to make my second post about something really American, Smokey Bear. He is not to be confused with Smokey the Bear, who doesn't exist (an if he did he would be a Russian speaking Communist). No, Smokey Bear is the bear you see above. He is Grade A American. Most of you are probably all like Russia but Russia I Russia thought Russia his Russia name Russia was Russia Smokey Russia the Russia Bear Russia (the Russias signify that it was spoken in Communist). Well NO! His name is not Smokey the Bear and you can suck that up or go back to eating Beef Stroganoff. Anyways, Smokey Bear is one of the most American things ever. Here are the reasons why:
  • He is really brave: He runs into raging forest fires or wildfires with just a shovel. A freakin SHOVEL! And he succeeds at putting them out. Only an American could do that.
  • He wears no shirt: Every American knows the dress code for a tailgate (something else that's very American) and that is no shirt. So, basically, by wearing no shirt Smokey Bear is saying that he's up for a tailgate any time. And that is very American.
  • He loves forests: Forests are American. America is the only place with forests. Everywhere either has stupid fake forests or rain forests. Stupid fake forests aren't real forests cause they aren't in America and remember only America has forests. Rain forests aren't American either nor are they real forests. A rain forest is just a fancy name for a jungle that other countries came up with because they were jealous about how America had forests and they didn't. And you know who liked jungles? The Vietkong did. That's who.
  • His website has games on it: I like websites with games. Want to know why? Because they are fun. Game websites aren't boring, so, to make his website not boring, he put games. I wish other government websites had games on them too (I'm talking to you U.S. Congress)
So, in conclusion, Smokey Bear is indeed American.

Friday, January 1, 2010

First Post

Man, it feels like July 4, 1776 all over again. The beginning of a great thing. In this case, its this blog, not America. And just like George Washington, Ben Franklin, Jack Daniels, and John Hancock before me, I have a feeling this is the start of something good. No Amazing. No America (The best nouns make even better adjectives).

So, let me tell you a little about my relationship with the U.S.:
  • I've known her for my entire life.
  • We've had one sexual encounter and things got pretty steamy but I won't get graphic because this is a family friendly site. But, yeah I so tapped that (She may just be an inanimate object and, frankly, a piece of land, but its possible and very uncomfortable. But then we decided to rethink things and take it slow.
  • I hate terrorists and communists cause I'm American.
  • I like baseball, apple pie, and boobs.
  • I don't like Chinese stuff except for Chinese food, Things made in China, Chinese Women, and Chinese Water Buffalos.
  • I don't watch the Olympics because the commentators are always wrong. They say America loses!
  • The National Anthem is on my ipod
So, I hope you like America cause I like America and read my blog. I plan to do three to five entries a week so maybe you should like check on Sunday or something or just check everyday. I don't really care so just read it.
- The Patriotor (I'm signing stuff as that for now, but definitely post a comment or something so that I could get a cool name but for now thats what it is maybe I should have a poll)