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Saturday, February 6, 2010

Fanny Packs

(Most of the Time) UNAMERICAN: Fanny Packs

Eeew! A Fanny Pack. Fanny Packs make me sick. Or at least most of the time. Sometimes, they are generally always Un-American, at times. Basically, if used incorrectly, they can be weapons of mass destruction. So here are some reasons that they are Un-American.
  • Their position: Fanny packs are either worn over the crotch or the buttox. So, this branches out into two ways. The first is related to the fanny pack being placed over the crotch. While walking, this would be bumping up and down, and you would essentially be humping the fanny pack the whole time. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with sex. But, the fanny pack can't talk because it is an inanimate object. Therefore, it can't give its consent. And no one deserves to be raped, not even Un-Americans. Also, having sex with and inanimate object is kind of gross (George Clooney?). If the fanny pack is places above your "fanny," then it would be subjected to some bad stuff. The average human farts about 17 times a day (even subconsciously)(George Clooney?).
  • They are just really ugly.
  • Technically, the fanny pack is a belt. Now, wear that over your regular belt and you're wearing two belts. Two belts? The whole thing just seems a little S & M -ey.
  • Someone could probably hold a lot of crystal meth in a fanny pack. Now, I am a firm believer in Cocaine use and I personally hate crystal meth. I even came up with a slogan for Cocaine: Choose Cocaine Palin. See? Put Cocaine next to a brilliant political figure and it seems even better. Anyways, Since I hate crystal meth, I hate fanny packs because fanny packs may hold crystal meth. And don't go on about putting cocaine in fanny packs because I doubt you could fit cocaine and Sarah Palin in just one fanny pack. They would obviously need separate fanny packs.
Also, Fanny Packs can be used quite dangerously. Here are some very Communist uses of the "fanny pack:"
  • Carrying artifacts for a Satanic Ritual: Look, I don't care if you want to carry around "Newt's Bane," or Pouches of dog blood, or a jar of male semen. Actually, I do care. I care a lot. Because that's just messed up. Even then, I won't judge you. But, please, use a satchel or a back pack. Cause fanny packs and purple robes don't match, even in the underworld. Also, we should talk about those purple robes. I mean, I'm no fashion police, but being a virgin is Un-American. Unless you are a minor or its for a religious thing because religion is very, VERY American (except for Satanic Cults).
  • Cyclists: Okay, I don't like cyclists too much. They hog our roads, they wear spandex, and they pollute our Earth. That plastic packaging that their "vehicles" (ha ha, they're not vehicles) come in? That goes straight to a land fill. But, when they add a fanny pack to the mix, its like Karl Marx kicked you in the balls while he was singing Shakira and playing along on the tamborine. Its sickening. It really is. NOTE: regular cyclists may be close to being Communist, but they are still very American. I mean, its not really a gradual slope as much as a steep drop off, so they are in the green zone. But, the fanny pack wearers? They teeter my friend. They teeter.
  • Women: why not wear some hot pants instead? (Unless you're a woman at Disney World, because then you are probably a morbidly obese mother of 12 from Nebraska (?).
  • Animals: Someone call PETA if you see this testing. I don't care if you put toxic shampoo in a monkey's eyes, but the moment you slap a fanny pack on that thing, I'm gonna have to punch you in the face (or have PETA punch you with the power of law). NOTE: I hate PETA, but I hate fanny packs more, much more.
  • If you are wearing a fine, custom made Italian suit, and a fanny pack, you may be in Russia.
Note, there is one good use of the fanny pack:
  • Holding a gun,
Other, then that, Fanny Packs are Communist.

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