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Thursday, May 27, 2010


American: Pokemon

Pokemon are American. And rather than stereotype, I plan to single out the most America Pokemon and show how they are American. Oh, and for those of you that planned to whip out the whole "Blah, Blah, Blah. Pokemon is from Japan. Blah, Blah, Blah" argument, let me shoot down your hopes and dreams right now. Firstly, Pokemon IS most definitely made in America. We just tell the Japanese that they make them so that they can feel special and productive (just like we always lie to the women folk about parenting). Then, we release the games in Japan so that they can beta test them. And then, once the game is perfected, we release it in America. Try to prove me wrong. You can't because I'm not there right now. Ha. Now that I'm done correcting you, we need to establish the basic rule on why I chose Pokemon: the Wonderful World of Pokemon is a utopia. Here's why:
  • PETA doesn't exist: Okay, this is just really great. See, in the Wonderful world of Pokemon, people can just go out and kill animals. I mean, think about it. In the Wonderful World of Pokemon, when you walk around, you could just bump into any random animal and slaughter it. I mean honestly, is there anything special about a Rat (Rattatta) that can only scratch things? NO. We have those in real life. But, in Pokemon, I could have a giant dragon shoot it with a Hyper Beam, which I imagine hurts, and kill it. And you could spend hours and hours a day doing this. I mean, no matter how large the pile of dead level 4 Rat creatures becomes, more run at you. Its hilarious. Think about it. When you walk around the tall grass, think about how many dead Pokemon you would find.
  • Dog Fighting is legal: Dog Fighting definitely beats baseball, competitive eating, and oral pleasure for the greatest American past time. But, its not legal. Well at least not here. But because of Pokemon, Michael Vic k can sit down on a Sunday afternoon with his Nintendo DS and watch a Houndoom and a Poochyena battle it out without getting in trouble.
  • Enhanced Puberty: I don't know if you know this, but in Pokemon, Ash Catchum is only ten years old. But, he is as physically mature as an adult. That is because the radioactive waste that created Pokemon also caused really early and fast puberty. Furthermore, this ten year old can just leave his house and make like a thousand dollars in a ten minute Pokemon battle. Its sad how incompetent today's ten year olds are. I mean, a child prostitute these days takes about an hour to make a thousand dollars.
  • The Pokemon Centers are awesome: I'm gonna ignore the fact that health care is all Communist and socialized so I can say that that Nurse Joy is freakin hot.
  • Everyone speaks English: I have yet to meet someone in a Pokemon game that doesn't speak English. This means two things. One, it takes place in America (deep within the lost land of Nebraska?). Two, it means that everyone is extremely educated. Also, more proof on Pokemon being made in America: The game can't be made in Japan if its written in English. What are they gonna do, translate it? Yeah, good joke.
Now, here are some examples of how individual Pokemon are uniquely American:
  • Meowth: They literally kill other Pokemon by just throwing money at them. You may be all like, but wait, isn't sharing money Communist. Well Meowths don't share. Because after they kill the thing, they go and pick the money up again! And that's greedy which is American!
  • Swellow: Red, White, and Blue color scheme. Nuff Said.
  • Snorlax: 30% of the American population is of the majestic, graceful demographic known as obese. So, its no question why I included Snorlax. And if you think there is a question, then you're dumb. So leave.
  • Jeff Foxworthy: He makes funny jokes about rednecks.
  • Spinda: No, that's not volcanic ash that its always found near. Its cocaine. Look at it. The last time something looked that high, John Lennon had just finished writing Strawberry Fields. And do I really need to reiterate my opinion on cocaine? (Cocaine - Palin, remember?)
  • Alakazam: What's better than someone doing magic tricks? A furry someone doing magic tricks? What's better than that? They carry around spoons so you can eat pudding anytime anywhere.
Yeah, so basically, Pokemon are American. And thats good, remember?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

UnAmerican: Geckos

UNAMERICAN (Even though I still like them): Geckos

Now, I don't know if you all recall my post on Avatar but even though I deemed it an UnAmerican movie, I still had to admit that I enjoyed it. So that is the stance that I'm taking on Geckos. I like Geckos (No not that way you pervert)(Okay, yeah, maybe that way)(No, no I take that back. Not in that way), but they are extremely UnAmerican. Without further ado, lets take a look:
  • They're nocturnal: Now you really shouldn't trust Nocturnal things. Trust me. Just google James St. James and/or the Club Kids in another window or tab. I'll give you a moment. Go on, google them. See what I mean? Those things are scarier than the time Hillary Clinton was pantsed in public. And they were also nocturnal just like Geckos. Now the reason nocturnal things are so utterly evil is because they happen to be from Russia, which is on the other side of the world (for the newcomers, I'm comparing its location in comparison to America). Then, when they invade America, they still have Jet Lag and are stuck in Russia's time zone which has day and night opposite from the U.S.
  • They Always Die on Me!: Now I have had two pet Geckos before and both of them died. Now I have abandonment issues so I don't like it when things die on me. One might say that that makes them good, because, quoting Billy Joel, "Only the Good Die young." Well remember, that song was written in the heart of the cold war, and using their time machines, the Soviets could have forseen my writing this and brainwashed Billy Joel into writing that song in the past to ruin my credibility in the future. So HA. And, also, that song is about someone losing their virginity so now it kind of looks like you want to have sex with Geckos. Which is weird. But I get it. And I accept you.
  • On a separate note, don't name anything you love Morgan Freeman. My last Gecko's name was Morgan Freeman and he died really fast. It seems that Morgan Freeman is so awesome that there can only be one. And I learned that the hard way.
  • Geico Insurance Lies: save 15% or more on car insurance? Check your numbers buddy. Also, is it just me or does that gecko from the commercials seem kind of rude. Like he thinks he's better than everyone else? Trust me, just pay more attention to his body language next time. Look at him, what's he smiling about that I don't know?
  • Gordon Gekko from the movie Wall Street pisses me off: I like the movie Wall Street. Its a great movie, and Gordon Gekko may be one of the greatest fictional characters of all time. But, despite how awesome he is, there was one scene that made me angry at him. Its when him and Charlie Sheen go to lunch and he tells Charlie Sheen to get a decent suit. Well, personally, I thought Charlie Sheen's suit was very nice. And it matched much better with his tie than Gekko's suit did.

Firstly, I made that video. But, it says that dumb thing in the back because that was the only way to put it on the blog. But, I really did make the video.
By the way, this video shows the reason I haven't posted in so long. You see, Whoopee Goldberg saw I discovered her secret and decided to attack me. This is a depiction of the ensuing battle. And for those of you who aren't members of the BWGA, the Bird Watcher's Guild of America, that bird beak at the end belongs to a Magnus Haliaeetus Leucocephalus, or the Legendary Giant Bald Eagle. And seriously, if you're gonna read the blog, you're gonna have to know your bird facts because I'm not gonna keep explaining these things. Oh, and if you like her movies, don't worry. She'll grow her head back. That's not the first time that's happened.