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Thursday, May 27, 2010


American: Pokemon

Pokemon are American. And rather than stereotype, I plan to single out the most America Pokemon and show how they are American. Oh, and for those of you that planned to whip out the whole "Blah, Blah, Blah. Pokemon is from Japan. Blah, Blah, Blah" argument, let me shoot down your hopes and dreams right now. Firstly, Pokemon IS most definitely made in America. We just tell the Japanese that they make them so that they can feel special and productive (just like we always lie to the women folk about parenting). Then, we release the games in Japan so that they can beta test them. And then, once the game is perfected, we release it in America. Try to prove me wrong. You can't because I'm not there right now. Ha. Now that I'm done correcting you, we need to establish the basic rule on why I chose Pokemon: the Wonderful World of Pokemon is a utopia. Here's why:
  • PETA doesn't exist: Okay, this is just really great. See, in the Wonderful world of Pokemon, people can just go out and kill animals. I mean, think about it. In the Wonderful World of Pokemon, when you walk around, you could just bump into any random animal and slaughter it. I mean honestly, is there anything special about a Rat (Rattatta) that can only scratch things? NO. We have those in real life. But, in Pokemon, I could have a giant dragon shoot it with a Hyper Beam, which I imagine hurts, and kill it. And you could spend hours and hours a day doing this. I mean, no matter how large the pile of dead level 4 Rat creatures becomes, more run at you. Its hilarious. Think about it. When you walk around the tall grass, think about how many dead Pokemon you would find.
  • Dog Fighting is legal: Dog Fighting definitely beats baseball, competitive eating, and oral pleasure for the greatest American past time. But, its not legal. Well at least not here. But because of Pokemon, Michael Vic k can sit down on a Sunday afternoon with his Nintendo DS and watch a Houndoom and a Poochyena battle it out without getting in trouble.
  • Enhanced Puberty: I don't know if you know this, but in Pokemon, Ash Catchum is only ten years old. But, he is as physically mature as an adult. That is because the radioactive waste that created Pokemon also caused really early and fast puberty. Furthermore, this ten year old can just leave his house and make like a thousand dollars in a ten minute Pokemon battle. Its sad how incompetent today's ten year olds are. I mean, a child prostitute these days takes about an hour to make a thousand dollars.
  • The Pokemon Centers are awesome: I'm gonna ignore the fact that health care is all Communist and socialized so I can say that that Nurse Joy is freakin hot.
  • Everyone speaks English: I have yet to meet someone in a Pokemon game that doesn't speak English. This means two things. One, it takes place in America (deep within the lost land of Nebraska?). Two, it means that everyone is extremely educated. Also, more proof on Pokemon being made in America: The game can't be made in Japan if its written in English. What are they gonna do, translate it? Yeah, good joke.
Now, here are some examples of how individual Pokemon are uniquely American:
  • Meowth: They literally kill other Pokemon by just throwing money at them. You may be all like, but wait, isn't sharing money Communist. Well Meowths don't share. Because after they kill the thing, they go and pick the money up again! And that's greedy which is American!
  • Swellow: Red, White, and Blue color scheme. Nuff Said.
  • Snorlax: 30% of the American population is of the majestic, graceful demographic known as obese. So, its no question why I included Snorlax. And if you think there is a question, then you're dumb. So leave.
  • Jeff Foxworthy: He makes funny jokes about rednecks.
  • Spinda: No, that's not volcanic ash that its always found near. Its cocaine. Look at it. The last time something looked that high, John Lennon had just finished writing Strawberry Fields. And do I really need to reiterate my opinion on cocaine? (Cocaine - Palin, remember?)
  • Alakazam: What's better than someone doing magic tricks? A furry someone doing magic tricks? What's better than that? They carry around spoons so you can eat pudding anytime anywhere.
Yeah, so basically, Pokemon are American. And thats good, remember?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

UnAmerican: Geckos

UNAMERICAN (Even though I still like them): Geckos

Now, I don't know if you all recall my post on Avatar but even though I deemed it an UnAmerican movie, I still had to admit that I enjoyed it. So that is the stance that I'm taking on Geckos. I like Geckos (No not that way you pervert)(Okay, yeah, maybe that way)(No, no I take that back. Not in that way), but they are extremely UnAmerican. Without further ado, lets take a look:
  • They're nocturnal: Now you really shouldn't trust Nocturnal things. Trust me. Just google James St. James and/or the Club Kids in another window or tab. I'll give you a moment. Go on, google them. See what I mean? Those things are scarier than the time Hillary Clinton was pantsed in public. And they were also nocturnal just like Geckos. Now the reason nocturnal things are so utterly evil is because they happen to be from Russia, which is on the other side of the world (for the newcomers, I'm comparing its location in comparison to America). Then, when they invade America, they still have Jet Lag and are stuck in Russia's time zone which has day and night opposite from the U.S.
  • They Always Die on Me!: Now I have had two pet Geckos before and both of them died. Now I have abandonment issues so I don't like it when things die on me. One might say that that makes them good, because, quoting Billy Joel, "Only the Good Die young." Well remember, that song was written in the heart of the cold war, and using their time machines, the Soviets could have forseen my writing this and brainwashed Billy Joel into writing that song in the past to ruin my credibility in the future. So HA. And, also, that song is about someone losing their virginity so now it kind of looks like you want to have sex with Geckos. Which is weird. But I get it. And I accept you.
  • On a separate note, don't name anything you love Morgan Freeman. My last Gecko's name was Morgan Freeman and he died really fast. It seems that Morgan Freeman is so awesome that there can only be one. And I learned that the hard way.
  • Geico Insurance Lies: save 15% or more on car insurance? Check your numbers buddy. Also, is it just me or does that gecko from the commercials seem kind of rude. Like he thinks he's better than everyone else? Trust me, just pay more attention to his body language next time. Look at him, what's he smiling about that I don't know?
  • Gordon Gekko from the movie Wall Street pisses me off: I like the movie Wall Street. Its a great movie, and Gordon Gekko may be one of the greatest fictional characters of all time. But, despite how awesome he is, there was one scene that made me angry at him. Its when him and Charlie Sheen go to lunch and he tells Charlie Sheen to get a decent suit. Well, personally, I thought Charlie Sheen's suit was very nice. And it matched much better with his tie than Gekko's suit did.

Firstly, I made that video. But, it says that dumb thing in the back because that was the only way to put it on the blog. But, I really did make the video.
By the way, this video shows the reason I haven't posted in so long. You see, Whoopee Goldberg saw I discovered her secret and decided to attack me. This is a depiction of the ensuing battle. And for those of you who aren't members of the BWGA, the Bird Watcher's Guild of America, that bird beak at the end belongs to a Magnus Haliaeetus Leucocephalus, or the Legendary Giant Bald Eagle. And seriously, if you're gonna read the blog, you're gonna have to know your bird facts because I'm not gonna keep explaining these things. Oh, and if you like her movies, don't worry. She'll grow her head back. That's not the first time that's happened.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010



Many of you devoted readers out there know from my post on Independents that I like Razzles, but I cannot trust them. They are very UnAmerican due to their portrayal of communist ideals. Here is the story of my bad experience with razzles:

One fine summer evening, I was eating
some candy. It was delicious. I chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed on my candy and realized something. Much like a werewolf or Britney Spears, it had undergone a transformation! It seemed as though my delightful treat had changed from candy to chewing gum. "Oh no!" I cried. I really wanted to enjoy a delicious piece of candy. I spit out my defective candy and tried another piece. But the same thing happened once more! "How peculiar?" I thought. Then I looked at the package of candies and saw: "Razzles: First they're candy, then they're gum." So I lit the package on fire.

Ever since then, I've had a grudge on Razzles. Here are some other reasons that Razzles are Un-American:
  • I see red and blue but I don't see white. Hmmm.
  • The letters Razzles actually contain a well concealed Russian Flag (See it?):
  • Everyone knows that the best flavor of Razzle is blue. But, for some strange reason, there are never any blue Razzle. Red Razzles are the worst flavor of Razzle. But, red Razzles are the most common. Also, red is a nickname for Communist, so its like saying that there are just a bunch of Communists. Now do they sound appetizing? (You Say: "No")
  • They advertise falsely: Okay, Razzles are not really candy and gum. They are where-gum (gum that appears to be candy but magically transforms into gum). It isn't candy because right before you swallow the candy, it turns into gum. How does it do this? The ancient art of Haitian Voodoo Magic. (I'm team Edward, so I don't know how I feel about this whole where-gum business).
  • Razzles are Communists: Okay, so America is the political system where you get two choices and you can take your pick. Basically, you want candy, you get candy. You want gum, you get gum. But, razzles are communists. They group all the choices into one party that you have to choose. That way, you want candy? Well you get candy and gum.
  • Why is the package all stripety like a zebra? Zebras aren't communists. Don't drag them into this. In fact. the Zebra from fruit stripes is American and chose one type of sugary thing (just gum). Also, he can windsurf. Can communists windsurf? No.
  • Okay, so I typed in Razzle on google translate and translated it to Russian. It came up with this: кутеж. Then I translated кутеж back to American and it came up with Whoopee. Either the Russians are playing mind games with me or this has something to do with Whoopee Goldberg. It probably has something to do with Whoopee Goldberg because she is on the view. Everyone knows that the View is terrible.
So that is why Razzles are Un-American.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Fanny Packs

(Most of the Time) UNAMERICAN: Fanny Packs

Eeew! A Fanny Pack. Fanny Packs make me sick. Or at least most of the time. Sometimes, they are generally always Un-American, at times. Basically, if used incorrectly, they can be weapons of mass destruction. So here are some reasons that they are Un-American.
  • Their position: Fanny packs are either worn over the crotch or the buttox. So, this branches out into two ways. The first is related to the fanny pack being placed over the crotch. While walking, this would be bumping up and down, and you would essentially be humping the fanny pack the whole time. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with sex. But, the fanny pack can't talk because it is an inanimate object. Therefore, it can't give its consent. And no one deserves to be raped, not even Un-Americans. Also, having sex with and inanimate object is kind of gross (George Clooney?). If the fanny pack is places above your "fanny," then it would be subjected to some bad stuff. The average human farts about 17 times a day (even subconsciously)(George Clooney?).
  • They are just really ugly.
  • Technically, the fanny pack is a belt. Now, wear that over your regular belt and you're wearing two belts. Two belts? The whole thing just seems a little S & M -ey.
  • Someone could probably hold a lot of crystal meth in a fanny pack. Now, I am a firm believer in Cocaine use and I personally hate crystal meth. I even came up with a slogan for Cocaine: Choose Cocaine Palin. See? Put Cocaine next to a brilliant political figure and it seems even better. Anyways, Since I hate crystal meth, I hate fanny packs because fanny packs may hold crystal meth. And don't go on about putting cocaine in fanny packs because I doubt you could fit cocaine and Sarah Palin in just one fanny pack. They would obviously need separate fanny packs.
Also, Fanny Packs can be used quite dangerously. Here are some very Communist uses of the "fanny pack:"
  • Carrying artifacts for a Satanic Ritual: Look, I don't care if you want to carry around "Newt's Bane," or Pouches of dog blood, or a jar of male semen. Actually, I do care. I care a lot. Because that's just messed up. Even then, I won't judge you. But, please, use a satchel or a back pack. Cause fanny packs and purple robes don't match, even in the underworld. Also, we should talk about those purple robes. I mean, I'm no fashion police, but being a virgin is Un-American. Unless you are a minor or its for a religious thing because religion is very, VERY American (except for Satanic Cults).
  • Cyclists: Okay, I don't like cyclists too much. They hog our roads, they wear spandex, and they pollute our Earth. That plastic packaging that their "vehicles" (ha ha, they're not vehicles) come in? That goes straight to a land fill. But, when they add a fanny pack to the mix, its like Karl Marx kicked you in the balls while he was singing Shakira and playing along on the tamborine. Its sickening. It really is. NOTE: regular cyclists may be close to being Communist, but they are still very American. I mean, its not really a gradual slope as much as a steep drop off, so they are in the green zone. But, the fanny pack wearers? They teeter my friend. They teeter.
  • Women: why not wear some hot pants instead? (Unless you're a woman at Disney World, because then you are probably a morbidly obese mother of 12 from Nebraska (?).
  • Animals: Someone call PETA if you see this testing. I don't care if you put toxic shampoo in a monkey's eyes, but the moment you slap a fanny pack on that thing, I'm gonna have to punch you in the face (or have PETA punch you with the power of law). NOTE: I hate PETA, but I hate fanny packs more, much more.
  • If you are wearing a fine, custom made Italian suit, and a fanny pack, you may be in Russia.
Note, there is one good use of the fanny pack:
  • Holding a gun,
Other, then that, Fanny Packs are Communist.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

George W. Bush

This post does not follow the normal layout. Just so you know.

So, we all know president George W. Bush. Well, he is a perfect specimen of an American. He is a smart, well educated, handsome (as shown above) MAN. Here is a Pie Chart saying I'm right:

See? The chart clearly states Fritos, Cocaine, Happy, and Good. All positive words right? Well then I must be telling the truth! So, we all know him for his successful presidency and genius quotes. But, these quotes may be more than nuggets of boner producing knowledge. After close inspection, I've found that George W. Bush may be a prophet and possibly the Nostradamus of our time. Here are some interpretations of some of the more important quotes.

1. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

Okay so this quote is trying to tell us that eventually clothes will be rare and we will all have to be naked. But, food will become more abundant and we will have to wear food scraps and otehr garbage to cover ourselves. Except for Megan Fox. She still has to stay naked.

2. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

Okay so the government is going to crack down on prostitution (I should find a new job fast!) This means that OB-GYNs are going to have an underground network of prostitution with doctors being both pimps and hoes. Going to see the doctor will not only include getting a blood test but also getting a hand job/ female equivalent. This is going to cause some doctors to quit due to morality.

3. "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

Misunderestimated will become a legitimate word. I call coining it so back off.

4. "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

Okay so the untrained eye may believe that this is saying that Americans will become poor and need to get three jobs to just get by. But its really trying to say that America will become such a successful country that it will have to many jobs and Americans will have to get three jobs each to keep opportunities away from immigrants.

5. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

Aquaman will accidentally trigger a war between fish and humans. But, he will have to go with Lindsey Lohan, an Asian child, and a Lobster named Chester to the heart of both the fish and human societies to uncover a conspiracy which will immediately cause the two societies to become allies against amphibians (that includes Sarah Jessica Parker).

6. "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

Future President James Hope is kidnapped. He is found in Families, Ohio with his kidnapper, Martin Wings. The FBI try to save President Hope, but, he is expecting them and takes another hostage, FBI Agent Sarah Dream.

I hope that you have learned something. I know I have...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


GRAY AREA!: Independents

Okay, so, today, I implemented a new faction on the blog entitled GRAY AREA!. This means that the topic at hand is both American and Un-American. Also, do not mix up independents with independence. There is nothing gray about independence. Independence is purely Red, White, and Blue.

So, by Independents, I mean people who are neither Democrats or Republicans or any other political party. But, there are two types of Independents: those who really can't decide and those who are lazy. We'll call the first batch "Bads" and the second batch "Goods."

First, we'll address "Bads." They are undecided. That kind of seems suspicious to me. I'll explain why:
  • Independents are one step away from being Communists: Here is a limerick explaining why:
Two Russians were trying to get lunch.
Should they have Beef Stroganoff, babies, or brunch?
Since they couldn't decide,
no matter how hard they tried,
they developed a system where there was only one option for the whole bunch.

Those two Russians were a boxing bear and Karl Marx. And, they invented communism out of indecisiveness.
  • I don't trust Razzles.(But, I do like them).
But, you are all probably like I'm an independent, should I be worried that I caught communism? No, no you shouldn't kids. Want to know why? (You say: "Why?") Haha, well, thats because there are also good Independents, remember? (You say: "Oh yeah, how could I forget?") We call those Independents "Goods." (We both chuckle). Also, to catch Communism, you must have an O negative blood type. If you do have that blood type, then you probably are a communist. Anyways, here is what makes "Goods" good:
  • They are just lazy: "Goods" are independents for one reason and one reason only: Laziosity (AKA Laziness). Because of this, they don't want to be bothered with weighing reasons or getting annoying campaign calls. So, they either make an educated decision but pretend like they are Independents to avoid calls or they take the high road and use Enee-Meanie-Minee-Moe to decide. Also, they include the "Red, White and Blue I choose You" part cause that's just American.
  • They vote: Americans have to vote.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Amazing Discovery!

Okay, You READERS (I'm gonna be consistent feminists) won't believe this. I found a real unedited satellite picture of the world. Apparently, the Russians were hiding this picture from us Americans. So, I don't want to describe the process of me getting the map, cause it was pretty gross, but it involved a half stick of butter, a shot glass, and a lighter in the shape of a dolphin.
Here is the real world map:
Okay so here is a fake world map:
Okay so as you can see, there are some considerable differences here. The fake map fails to include Penguin Land or Jurassic park. It should be noted that Penguin Land may be mistakenly labeled as "Antarctica." It also individually labels the other countries instead of massing them into one large group like they really are. On the real map, Alaska and Hawaii are conveniently placed next to America while the fake map places them far away. Also, the real map correctly shapes Russia as it is the demented frowny face island that it really is as opposed to a large regularly shaped subcontinent. So, here you have it. The real world map.