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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Razzles

UNAMERICAN: Razzles

Many of you devoted readers out there know from my post on Independents that I like Razzles, but I cannot trust them. They are very UnAmerican due to their portrayal of communist ideals. Here is the story of my bad experience with razzles:

One fine summer evening, I was eating
some candy. It was delicious. I chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed on my candy and realized something. Much like a werewolf or Britney Spears, it had undergone a transformation! It seemed as though my delightful treat had changed from candy to chewing gum. "Oh no!" I cried. I really wanted to enjoy a delicious piece of candy. I spit out my defective candy and tried another piece. But the same thing happened once more! "How peculiar?" I thought. Then I looked at the package of candies and saw: "Razzles: First they're candy, then they're gum." So I lit the package on fire.

Ever since then, I've had a grudge on Razzles. Here are some other reasons that Razzles are Un-American:
  • I see red and blue but I don't see white. Hmmm.
  • The letters Razzles actually contain a well concealed Russian Flag (See it?):
  • Everyone knows that the best flavor of Razzle is blue. But, for some strange reason, there are never any blue Razzle. Red Razzles are the worst flavor of Razzle. But, red Razzles are the most common. Also, red is a nickname for Communist, so its like saying that there are just a bunch of Communists. Now do they sound appetizing? (You Say: "No")
  • They advertise falsely: Okay, Razzles are not really candy and gum. They are where-gum (gum that appears to be candy but magically transforms into gum). It isn't candy because right before you swallow the candy, it turns into gum. How does it do this? The ancient art of Haitian Voodoo Magic. (I'm team Edward, so I don't know how I feel about this whole where-gum business).
  • Razzles are Communists: Okay, so America is the political system where you get two choices and you can take your pick. Basically, you want candy, you get candy. You want gum, you get gum. But, razzles are communists. They group all the choices into one party that you have to choose. That way, you want candy? Well you get candy and gum.
  • Why is the package all stripety like a zebra? Zebras aren't communists. Don't drag them into this. In fact. the Zebra from fruit stripes is American and chose one type of sugary thing (just gum). Also, he can windsurf. Can communists windsurf? No.
  • Okay, so I typed in Razzle on google translate and translated it to Russian. It came up with this: кутеж. Then I translated кутеж back to American and it came up with Whoopee. Either the Russians are playing mind games with me or this has something to do with Whoopee Goldberg. It probably has something to do with Whoopee Goldberg because she is on the view. Everyone knows that the View is terrible.
So that is why Razzles are Un-American.

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