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Thursday, May 27, 2010


American: Pokemon

Pokemon are American. And rather than stereotype, I plan to single out the most America Pokemon and show how they are American. Oh, and for those of you that planned to whip out the whole "Blah, Blah, Blah. Pokemon is from Japan. Blah, Blah, Blah" argument, let me shoot down your hopes and dreams right now. Firstly, Pokemon IS most definitely made in America. We just tell the Japanese that they make them so that they can feel special and productive (just like we always lie to the women folk about parenting). Then, we release the games in Japan so that they can beta test them. And then, once the game is perfected, we release it in America. Try to prove me wrong. You can't because I'm not there right now. Ha. Now that I'm done correcting you, we need to establish the basic rule on why I chose Pokemon: the Wonderful World of Pokemon is a utopia. Here's why:
  • PETA doesn't exist: Okay, this is just really great. See, in the Wonderful world of Pokemon, people can just go out and kill animals. I mean, think about it. In the Wonderful World of Pokemon, when you walk around, you could just bump into any random animal and slaughter it. I mean honestly, is there anything special about a Rat (Rattatta) that can only scratch things? NO. We have those in real life. But, in Pokemon, I could have a giant dragon shoot it with a Hyper Beam, which I imagine hurts, and kill it. And you could spend hours and hours a day doing this. I mean, no matter how large the pile of dead level 4 Rat creatures becomes, more run at you. Its hilarious. Think about it. When you walk around the tall grass, think about how many dead Pokemon you would find.
  • Dog Fighting is legal: Dog Fighting definitely beats baseball, competitive eating, and oral pleasure for the greatest American past time. But, its not legal. Well at least not here. But because of Pokemon, Michael Vic k can sit down on a Sunday afternoon with his Nintendo DS and watch a Houndoom and a Poochyena battle it out without getting in trouble.
  • Enhanced Puberty: I don't know if you know this, but in Pokemon, Ash Catchum is only ten years old. But, he is as physically mature as an adult. That is because the radioactive waste that created Pokemon also caused really early and fast puberty. Furthermore, this ten year old can just leave his house and make like a thousand dollars in a ten minute Pokemon battle. Its sad how incompetent today's ten year olds are. I mean, a child prostitute these days takes about an hour to make a thousand dollars.
  • The Pokemon Centers are awesome: I'm gonna ignore the fact that health care is all Communist and socialized so I can say that that Nurse Joy is freakin hot.
  • Everyone speaks English: I have yet to meet someone in a Pokemon game that doesn't speak English. This means two things. One, it takes place in America (deep within the lost land of Nebraska?). Two, it means that everyone is extremely educated. Also, more proof on Pokemon being made in America: The game can't be made in Japan if its written in English. What are they gonna do, translate it? Yeah, good joke.
Now, here are some examples of how individual Pokemon are uniquely American:
  • Meowth: They literally kill other Pokemon by just throwing money at them. You may be all like, but wait, isn't sharing money Communist. Well Meowths don't share. Because after they kill the thing, they go and pick the money up again! And that's greedy which is American!
  • Swellow: Red, White, and Blue color scheme. Nuff Said.
  • Snorlax: 30% of the American population is of the majestic, graceful demographic known as obese. So, its no question why I included Snorlax. And if you think there is a question, then you're dumb. So leave.
  • Jeff Foxworthy: He makes funny jokes about rednecks.
  • Spinda: No, that's not volcanic ash that its always found near. Its cocaine. Look at it. The last time something looked that high, John Lennon had just finished writing Strawberry Fields. And do I really need to reiterate my opinion on cocaine? (Cocaine - Palin, remember?)
  • Alakazam: What's better than someone doing magic tricks? A furry someone doing magic tricks? What's better than that? They carry around spoons so you can eat pudding anytime anywhere.
Yeah, so basically, Pokemon are American. And thats good, remember?

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