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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

James Cameron's Avatar

(Note: this is not my image. I found it at http://geeksfera.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/avatar-james-cameron.jpg)

Great Movie: James Cameron's Avatar
Un-American: James Cameron's Avatar

I loved James Cameron's Avatar. It was a great movie. But, as I sat there watching the amazing film, I realized something. Instead of the popcorn I had in my hands, I should have had a nice bowl of Beef Stroganoff. Because that movie was not American. At all. It should have been called Russia: Final Force Five. Warning: Spoiler Alerts follow.

Okay, so right of the bat, you see something wrong with the movie. IT DOESN'T TAKE PLACE IN AMERICA! Its okay if movies are filmed in Australia pretending to be America. But the movie blatantly says NOT AMERICA. Here are some other Communist things about the movie:
  • The Americans were the bad guys. America is good. Always.
  • The Americans lost. America wins. Always.
  • The Americans were greedy. Oh wait no scratch that we are totally greedy.
  • The Na'Vi cheated. In the end, right when America was going to win and the movie was going to end happily, some rhinoceros sharks and dragons and tentacle beak panthers come and help the Na'Vi. They were not part of the deal. No that was straight up cheating. How would the Na'Vi liked it if we brought in some of our deadly creatures (Obese people, Sarah Palin)?
  • The Na'Vi didn't bother to put out the forest fire. That is Un-American because Americans don't start forest fires to begin with. But, the protagonists are dumb and don't put out forest fires. If the Americans had been in that position, Smokey woulda been all up in there and put it out with his shovel.
  • Grandma's Boy's JP was in that movie. But, his character was not named JP. Which is weird because his name is JP.
  • Trudy, the best character in the whole movie and obviously the main character, dies. That was dumb. If anything, the stupid wheelchair traitor should have died. But not Trudy. She was the main character.
  • There were no subtle product placement shots. How can I relate to a main character if Trudy is not drinking my favorite soft drink and popping my favorite brand of kettle corn.
  • It was obviously a rip off of Confessions of a Shopaholic.
  • The Na'Vi basically raped animals into submission by probing them with their braids. And that's just wrong. A braid of nerve fibers or a penis? You decide. I know I have (I chose penis).
  • The scientists ruined perfectly good human DNA by mixing it with the NA'Vi and making Avatars. Why didn't they just grow more Americans?
Even though Avatar is like the best movie ever its Un-American.

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